


the line between nothing and everything

by whichlights



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Amnesia, Character Study, Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Genderfluid Mollymauk Tealeaf, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Mollymauk Tealeaf, Other, accidentally catching feelings, background beauyasha bc im a sucker, caleb is trans btw it just isnt featured As Prominently, no actual sex tho im weak, tragic backstories are a biiiiiitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 05:24:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14763437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whichlights/pseuds/whichlights
Summary: Molly didn’t sign up for any of this. Not any of this Lucien bullshit, not any of this scrutiny, and definitely not for all thesefeelings.





	the line between nothing and everything

**Author's Note:**

> this was basically a molly character study that got waaay out of control and now its this. enjoy.
> 
> warnings include dysphoria, misgendering and deadnames, major injuries, semi graphic depictions of blood, kidnapping, and cult-like activity. let me know if i should add anything else

Molly started with nothing.

(People always say screams are how you know you’re alive, but they never point out how dead they make you feel. 

They never say how screaming makes you choke, choke on the dirt falling into your mouth. They never say how screaming your throat raw makes you cough as you dig yourself out of a grave. Your nails tear and your hands are bloody and you’re still screaming. You’re in a grave and graves are for dead people. You scream and you feel dead. 

But maybe that was just him.

He crawled his way out of a grave and- why was he in a grave?

He- fuck, was he? He? Fuck. Fuck.

This was weird. This was terrifying, actually. She- NO, wait, maybe? -knew all the things in her- maybe? -head. He- is he? -knew how graves worked, knew dead things went in graves, didn’t know how they- whatever at this point -got there. 

They knew how kings and countries worked, knew they were in one, but didn’t know what it was called. They knew how words worked, knew at least two languages, bouncing around their head, but didn’t know who taught them. 

What was this. What was happening.

Dear gods, what was  _ happening _ .

Eventually, they just stared at the grave, trying to find something that resembled a personal memory, and when they couldn’t come up with anything, they just whispered at the empty grave and the empty memories and they whispered, “empty.”)

\---

Molly didn’t mean to get separated from the group. It just sort of happened. One thing had lead to another, and the group had split up into two halves- Fjord, Beau, and Jester in one group, Molly, Caleb and Nott in the other -to investigate split tunnels. And Molly had went to investigate a bit further up ahead because he had swords and could see in the dark, and the tunnel had sort of… collapsed. 

There was no feasible way to blame this on him. Not at all. 

He had darkvision, and the glowing light of one of his swords gave off a little light, but vision was still a bit limited. He coughed, banging on the rockfall, wincing as a few rocks tumbled back down. 

_ MOLLY _ ? Caleb’s voice burst into his head.  _ ARE YOU ALIVE? PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS MESSAGE.  _

Molly coughed again. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he said, hoping that worked. “I’m going to investigate while I’m down here. Don’t sweat it, I’ll be fine.”

Molly really hoped all that got through. It would really suck if Caleb thought he was dead.

There was nothing else to be done- he couldn’t use Vicious Mockery on a pile of rocks -so he walked forward, further into the tunnels they’d discovered. They curves and twisted and went deeper. They were connected to the sewers, but very distinctly not-sewer. Molly wondered if the Gentleman knew, then figured either way he wouldn’t have told them, so it didn’t matter.

Molly kept walking, wondering if maybe this was the worst idea he’d ever had. The tunnel got wider as he went, and he started to notice arcane symbols. Caleb, or maybe Fjord, would know what they meant. Molly just knew he should probably turn back. 

Actually, he was going to do that. This sucked. 

Molly turned to go back the way he came, and there was a hooded figure in his way. Not like the figure in the transportation circle- this was a completely corporeal figure, simply covered head to toe in a black cloak. 

Molly held out his sword and started to send a silent prayer up to the Moonweaver. 

The figure’s face was obscured completely by a black cloth, not even the eyes showing. It tilted its head. “Hello again.”

It stepped forward towards Molly, and he took a step back, sword at the ready. “I’ve never seen you before in my life,” he said. 

“Yes you have.” The figure stepped forward again, and Molly felt his muscles go tense as it approached.  _ Danger danger danger _ -

The figure’s hand was also covered in black cloth, and it reached out for him. 

Molly felt the hand touch his forehead, and he howled. 

Memories flashed in front of his eyes, and the very distinctive feeling of  _ knowing _ \- of every single thing he’d forgotten come to forefront -settled into his head and he hated it. He hated it. 

_ Lucien _ . 

He screamed again and managed to pull away from the hand. 

The second he didn’t have contact with the figure, he forgot it all again, except for the feeling of remembering. And that scared him more. 

“Who… who are you?” Molly rasped. 

The figure hummed. “Just one willing to push the story along. Now go do those petty things you do in the meantime, with your friends.”

Molly was still shaking. The memories weren’t back, but it almost felt like they were. “Why?”

“You have forgotten who you are, Lucien.”

“I’m not Lucien,” Molly spit. 

“You were. You will be. The ritual will be complete. We made a  _ deal _ .”

Molly yowled and took a swing at the figure before it disappeared into black mist. 

Molly looked around, heart pounding in his chest. He tried to rationalize what the hell had just happened. He decided that was a mostly pointless endeavor and started running back to the blocked off tunnel in sheer panic.

Halfway back, he ran into Caleb. Literally, ran into. Molly crashed into him in his rush to get  _ away  _ and the momentum took them both to the ground, Molly landing on top of him with a loud “oof.”

Molly leaned up on his elbows, looking down at Caleb with a grin. “How did you-”

“Maximilian's Earthen Paw,” Caleb rubbed his head. He mostly just looked concerned, eyebrows going together and giving a worried frown. “You were running. Is there something there?”

“It’s gone now,” Molly said, getting off of Caleb. He offered a hand to help him up, but Caleb didn’t take it. 

“What was it?”

Molly’s immediate reaction was to lie. “I saw a bat.”

Caleb did not seem convinced. “A bat.”

“A very big bat.” Molly knew it was ridiculous. The idea that he would get scared of a bat, no matter how big, enough to run over Caleb.

Nott poked her head out from behind a rock. “Are you sure it’s gone?”

“Positive.” Molly grinned at her. “Why, scared of a bat?”

Caleb walked forward, dancing lights swirling around him. Nott scurried forward, and Molly ignored the sinking feeling of dread in his stomach as they walked forward. 

By the time they got to the place Molly  _ knew _ there were symbols, there was nothing. The walls had been wiped clean, which was impossible, and the tunnel ended with a dead end, which was also impossible. There was a sharp  _ squeal _ , and Molly jumped up, sword drawn, and a small black blur flew past him, settling onto the ceiling. 

Molly managed to look at Caleb with a smile. “Nothing down here. Just a bat.”

“Just a bat,” Caleb repeated softly. “Come on, let’s go back to the others.”

\---

The others were at the tunnel entrance, and Caleb told them about the bat, and Molly didn’t tell them about the figure in black. 

For one, he didn’t know what the fuck it meant.

For another, he didn’t know how the fuck they would react.

\---

Molly didn’t feel like a boy most of the time, if they were honest. And they made a policy to be honest with themself, if nothing else. Molly wasn’t a girl- most of the time -either. Most of the time, they were just-

Nothing.

They were in a nothing loop at the moment. No idea when a solid gender would pop up again. It didn’t even really bother them. It was just the way they were. 

Not that anyone knew.

Molly hadn’t even told Yasha, and if they hadn’t even come up with the courage to tell their best friend, how would they find a way to tell anyone else? It was stupid. It wasn’t like everyone thought they were straight- they made that  _ abundantly  _ clear. But there was something. Different about this.

They stayed up late at night and tried to articulate it on their watch, out on the roads on an errand, but they couldn’t come up with a reason other than fear.

\---

Crownsguard were sweeping the streets, and there was no conscription, but everyone knew they were cracking down on nonviolent crime. If it just so happened that prisoners fought for the Empire during wartime, that wasn’t the crownsguards’ problem.

The Mighty Nein’s activities weren’t exactly legal, so that was the current topic of discussion. 

They were gathered in Fjord’s room. Caleb was leaning against the wall, Nott at his side. Beau was sitting on the bed, with Jester standing beside her, Fjord in the middle of the room and Molly standing a bit to the side. They felt on edge, running a hand up and down the handle of their sword. It was made of cheap glass and it was their best weapon (and didn’t that say a lot about them). 

“Maybe we should tell him that we can’t come,” Jester said, glancing out the window. It was obvious she meant the Gentleman. “Too many crownsguard on our tail.”

Beau nodded. “I agree. We lay low, maybe strike up some reputable citizen points.”

“I don’t like this,” Molly said, tapping the hilt of their sword. “Too many eyes on us. I think we should get the hell out of dodge.”

From the corner, Caleb nodded, but Fjord’s attention snapped to them instead. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Molly stood their ground. “Why are you getting pissy about it?”

“People  _ are  _ counting on us,” Jester said softly from behind Fjord. Maybe she was sensing a fight. Maybe she was right.

“We made a promise,” Fjord said.

“Oh, like none of us have ever broken a promise,” Molly snorted. 

“You’re about to?”

“The Gentleman has our blood,” Jester piped up again, and mentioning his name out loud was probably a risk. She must have really not wanted them to fight. 

Molly ignored her. “I wouldn’t leave out the possibility,” they told Fjord. 

“We’d get caught the second we tried to leave the city. Not to mention the Gentleman  _ has our blood _ , and there are several high ranking officials that know our names, our faces.”

“At least we’d be out of the city.”

“So you’re ready to scram,  _ Lucien _ ,” Fjord snapped. “For no reason other than the fact that you’re fucking scared.”

Molly flashed out their sword in a heartbeat, and past the roaring in their ears they heard Jester scream as they pressed the blade against Fjord’s neck. They leaned close, blood rushing in their ears, their heart pounding in their chest. “Say it again,” they growled, low and dangerous. They were half ready to whip out a spell- Vicious Mockery, maybe, or Devil’s Tongue if they came up with a use for it. “Say that name again, I  _ dare _ you.”

“Well,  _ Lucy _ , we’re all untrustworthy assholes here, so maybe it should be expected you want to skip out.”

Molly felt something in their heart twist darkly at  _ Lucy _ . Something very akin to pain. Molly could swear the word alone caused damage. They slashed their sword against Fjord’s neck, making a shallow cut, as they backed away, breathing heavily. “Keep that damn name out of your mouth,” Molly screamed at him. 

“Why? Is it so fucking  _ precious _ that only the  _ worthy _ can say it?”

“The exact  _ opposite _ . I’d get Caleb to burn that name to ash if I could!” Molly screamed back. “If I ever-  _ ever  _ -had to claim that name for myself, I’d make Caleb burn  _ me _ !”

There was a ripple of silence at that. Even Fjord had realized he’d crossed the line. Molly was breathing heavily, glancing around. Jester had her hands over her mouth, tears spilling down her cheeks. Beau looked more alarmed than they’d ever seen her. Nott was clutching protectively at Caleb’s sleeve, and Caleb-

Oh, Moonweaver have mercy, Molly had taken the line and stomped on it before crossing. 

Caleb was white as a sheet, eyes wide, shining with tears but- empty. So, so, utterly  _ empty _ . His hands were shaking, and Molly felt their throat close up. 

“I’m sorry,” they whispered. “That was completely- I had no right to-”

“It’s alright,” Fjord said, trying to mend ties, and Molly felt that burning pit of anger blaze brighter in their gut. 

“Not you!” They yelled at Fjord, whirling on him. “Not to you! I apologize to  _ Caleb _ , and Caleb  _ alone _ .”

Molly stalked away after that, their sword still dripping with blood. 

\---

Molly sat on the roof, watching the sunset, cleaning their sword. Fjord’s blood had dried on the blade, and it was proving annoyingly difficult to get off, and it was getting frustrating as Molly rubbed at it. 

“Hey,” someone behind him said, and Molly turned and stood up.

“Caleb, I’m so sorry-” they started immediately, dropping their sword to the ground. “I shouldn’t have said that. It wasn’t right of me to drag you into my argument, especially when… especially when I know your deal with fire.”

Caleb rubbed his arms. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” Molly insisted. “I messed up. Tell me how to fix it.”

“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Then we won’t.” Molly leaned down and picked up their sword, starting to clean it again. They sat down again, and Caleb sat down a few feet beside them, his feet dangling over the edge of the roof. 

Their blade was clean now, and they put it away. They could leave. They were calmer now. They could try to mend ties with Fjord sooner rather than later. Instead, they stayed on the roof with Caleb and watched the sun set. 

“I wonder if we’re supposed to be up here,” Molly said finally, just to break the silence. 

Caleb looked at them with a curious expression, head tilted. “You don’t know?” He muttered, seeming slightly alarmed. 

“It’s probably fine. It’s not like we’re doing anything wrong. We paid for lodging, so I’m including roof privileges with that,” Molly grinned, stretching back. 

Caleb gave a soft laugh, more of a snort, an exhalation of air. It was a nice laugh. “Let’s not find out if the innkeeper agrees.”

Molly nodded. “Hey,” they said, and their throat felt tight. “Do you… do you like girls?”

Caleb blinked at them like he was surprised, and his head tilted even further to the side. Molly could acknowledge he was beautiful and it didn’t mean a damn thing. “Most people don’t ask to reaffirm heterosexuality. Did I do something to make you think I don’t?”

“Fine then. Have it your way. Do you like boys? How about people who are neither? Both? Switch around?”

Caleb seemed taken aback. “Why the sudden interest?”

“I’ve made my interests very clear.” Molly knew their expression was cool, neutral. “I was just curious if anyone else on this team was like me.”

“Yes, Molly, we all know you’re bi.” Caleb rolled his eyes. “If it makes you feel any better, I am too.”

Oh. 

“Neat,” Molly grinned. 

Silence for a few more minutes. The sun disappeared under the line of buildings, and if Molly turned to look, they could see the beginnings of stars. 

Molly stood up. “We should probably go back inside. The others are probably thinking we got kidnapped.”

“Or conscripted.” 

“Or arrested.”

“Or killed.” The way Caleb said it didn’t make it sound like a joke. 

Molly smiled, but it faltered. “I… I really am sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Caleb said softly. 

Molly had a feeling it wasn’t okay, but they left Caleb alone and went inside and went to sleep anyways.

\---

Molly mended ties with Fjord the next day by getting them both blackout drunk and having a long talk about feelings. Molly didn’t remember any of it, and neither did Fjord, but they both had headaches, so it definitely happened. 

They started up with work for the Gentleman again, mostly small errands around town. A shipment needed delivering, some rich asshole needed to be spied on, things like that. They were far more careful. 

Yasha showed back up again, and everyone practically threw her a party. Molly was pretty sure at least half the group had a crush on her, at least in the celebrity-crush way. Beau in particular seemed happy to see her. 

Molly was in the corner of the tavern watching Beau trip over herself and make a fool of herself to impress Yasha when Caleb sat down beside him. “Hey,” Caleb said, and kept reading his book. 

Molly let him read, fully focused on Beau’s attempts at wooing his friend. Molly nudged Caleb’s arm. “Beau is about to get into an arm wrestle with Yasha as an excuse to hold her hand,” he said. “If you want to watch.”

Caleb glanced up. “Five gold on Beau,” he said, and kept reading. 

Beau lost (and Caleb handed Molly the gold), but she was blushing as she did. Molly saw her touch the hand Yasha had held throughout the night. 

“Does Yasha like Beau?” Caleb asked suddenly. 

Molly looked at him. “Isn’t that a question for Yasha?”

“You know her best. Beau obviously likes her. If Yasha doesn’t like her back, there’s a line of people willing.”

Molly grinned. “Are you one of them?”

Caleb coughed. “I don’t think Yasha likes boys. But does she like Beau?”

Molly thought about it. “From what I know about her, I think she’s at least a little interested.”

“She did say she found someone in the group attractive,” Caleb muttered. “But she wasn’t going to act on it. I just hope Beau doesn’t get her heart broken.”

“Why the sudden concern for Beau?” Molly liked her just fine, not that he would ever say it to her face, but Caleb seemed to have adopted her along with Nott. 

“She’s a good friend,” Caleb muttered. 

Molly nodded and stretched out. “You know, Yasha wasn’t the only one who said she was attracted to someone in the group,” he grinned. 

“She was not,” Caleb agreed. He looked Molly in the eye. “Would you act on it?”

_ Does he know? _

“I might. Given incentive.”

Caleb didn’t press the question. He went back to his book and Molly resumed Beau-watching. 

\---

The Gentleman had another assignment for them to take or leave as they desired. It would be a week or two out of town, and he was offering-

“Fifteen thousand gold?” Beau whistled. 

“What’s the assignment?” Fjord asked, always the charismatic one. 

The Gentleman leaned back. “Well, it’s highly sensitive information. For more details, you’d have to agree.”

The group looked between each other. “Can we, uh, have a minute?” Fjord asked. 

The Gentleman waved permission, and the Mighty Nein huddled up. “Fifteen thousand gold,” Jester whispered insistently. “That’s like, a  _ lot  _ of money, you guys!”

“But what would we be doing?” Nott asked, eyes wide behind her mask. 

“Damn, for fifteen thousand gold, I almost don’t care,” Molly said. They glanced over to Caleb.  “That’s enough to buy Caleb’s contraband paper and ink.”

Caleb gave a good natured scowl at that. “I… don’t mind,” he said. “It might be good to leave the city for a bit.”

“So we’re all agreed?” Fjord asked, just to clarify.

“ _ Fifteen thousand gold _ ,” Beau repeated, like that was all she had to say to get the point across. 

Fjord walked back to the Gentleman and hashed out details. They were being paid to get a very significant amount of poisons into the city. They would go out of Zadash to get the poison, and come back to Zadash with the poisons.

“You want us to poison someone?” Nott asked, eyes wide. 

The Gentleman laughed. “Oh, no. I want the necessary materials in my possession in case anyone with that  _ particular  _ occupation should need materials.”

“Fifteen thousand gold seems like a very significant amount of money for smuggling,” Beau pointed out.

“Well, it’s less  _ smuggling _ ,” the Gentleman admitted, “and more…  _ acquisition _ . Smuggling implies the poison is already in a position to go.”

“Please don’t tell me we have to kill a giant poison monster.”

“Then I won’t.”

“We already accepted,” Fjord pointed out to cover Beau’s groan. “It should all be fine.”

\---

“You know, when Jester goes down, there’s not really anything else for the rest of us to do,” Molly snapped, dragging Jester’s unconscious form behind a rock. “Oh, please don’t die,” she muttered.

The Gentleman assured them that the dragon they were procuring poison from was a young one, but  _ young  _ dragons were still  _ really fucking huge _ . And vicious. And didn’t like being woken up by six little adventures trying to milk its fangs for poison like a snake. (Wonderful suggestion, Caleb.) (How  _ did  _ Caleb even know how to milk poison from snakes?) So now a very sleepy, grumpy, pissy dragon was in the midst of absolutely destroying them. 

The dragon’s tail started to shudder, and from somewhere in the fray, Fjord yelled, “take cover!” as the dragon exhaled a blast of poison over the field. 

Molly sucked in a breath of air and covered her mouth with her hand, sending up a desperate plea to the Moonweaver. The poisoned gas evaporated a few seconds later, and Molly exhaled in relief, starting to hit Jester in the face. “Get up, get up,” she muttered. 

Frumpkin streaked over to her, eyes wide and shining. Molly looked at him. “Now is not the  _ time _ , Caleb,” Molly gasped, dragging Jester back further. “Get out there and don’t die! Wait, actually, if you have any healing potions, I think Jester would appreciate that.”

Frumpkin gave a nod and darted back, dodging the dragon’s claws as he streaked back to Caleb. Molly stood up, covering Jester’s body with a few stray tree branches, as if that would protect her. “Wake up,” Molly muttered one last time before jumping back at the  _ motherfucking dragon _ .

They deserved so much more than fifteen thousand gold for this shit.

Molly slashed at the dragon and made a very shallow hit, and barely ducked the claws coming at her. Fjord was reverting back to his cantrips, which was never a good sign. Beau’s entire fighting style revolved around bare fists and sticks, which were actual bullshit against thick scales and long claws. Nott’s main goal seemed to be finding chinks in its armor, and from the few arrows Molly could see sticking out around its snout, she seemed to be doing the most out of any of them. 

Molly went in for another hit and got a claw to the chest, and she gasped, stumbling back. Her hand came away red and shaking. That wasn’t good.

Frumpkin streaked towards her again, pushing against her legs. “Not  _ now _ , Caleb,” she muttered, keeping herself upright, sword at the ready. The dragon’s tail was shuddering again, its tell for poison breath. 

Frumpkin bit at her boot and started pulling her foot backwards, as if he was trying to pull her back. Molly looked over at Caleb, who was behind her a bit, on the other end of the field, and gave him a  _ what the fuck  _ look. 

He gestured for her to get back, and he was waving his hands in a not entirely normal way and-

Oh right. Wizard.

Molly let Frumpkin guide her back a bit as the dragon shuddered once- twice- three times- and then its eyes fluttered, and Molly could have kissed Caleb if he was near enough because  _ you clever, clever wizard.  _

The dragon slumped forward, hit by the full impact of a  _ sleep _ spell, and its nose landed right in front of Molly. She couldn’t stop staring, watching as the dragon gave a deep breath in, and-

“Molly!” Caleb grabbed her arm and pulled her back just before the dragon’s snore exhaled a blast of poison gas right over her face. She snapped out of whatever trance she’d been in, staring right at him. 

“Your survival instincts are shit,” he said simply. “What, were you trying to get poisoned?”

Molly grave a helpless shrug. “Sorry,” she tried. 

Caleb gave a nod, and Molly’s eyes went to his arm, where the jacket sleeve was torn and bloodied, and the skin was tinted green.

“Caleb!” Molly managed before his eyes rolled up in his head and he collapsed. She kneeled down beside him, feeling for a pulse as Nott ran up. “Get Jester!” She yelled, before realizing Jester was down, too. 

What the fuck did you do when the cleric was down? Molly tried to put pressure on the wound, and Caleb’s blood squelched between her fingers. “Oh, you idiot,” she muttered.

Nott kneeled down beside her, eyes wide. “What do we do?”

“I left Jester over there.” Molly jerked her head in the general direction, not willing to take her hands off of Caleb.

“Molly, your chest-”

“Yeah, I know, it’s not a cis guy’s chest.” Molly hadn’t even really thought about her chest. It hadn’t exactly been bugging her today. “It’s not like you’ve never seen it in the bathhouses.”

“It’s not that- it’s- You’re  _ covered _ in blood,” Nott said, and oh. She was right. Molly was running on adrenaline and fear, not blood. That sticky red stuff was splattered across her skin.

“Oh,” Molly said softly, drawing a hand across the blood on her collarbone. Her arms were covered in blood up to the elbow. 

Fjord dropped beside Nott, checking Caleb’s shallow breathing. “Beau is getting Jester up,” he said. “But she doesn’t have many spells left.”

“Caleb,” Molly and Nott insisted at the same time. Nott gave Molly a suspicious look, but let it slide. 

Jester eventually limped over, her tail dragging in the dirt behind her, leaning heavily on Beau. She gasped when she saw Caleb. “What  _ happened _ ?”

“I- I think he got bit,” Molly said, holding up her hands, covered in Caleb’s blood. “The wound was green.”

Jester pushed everyone away, and Molly felt her chest flare up in pain as she scrambled away to let her work. She gasped, clutching her chest, falling to the ground, and Beau kneeled beside her.

“I’m out of healing potions,” she said and it sounded apologetic.

“I’m fine.” Molly was very much not fine, but she’d be damned if she admitted it. She glanced at Caleb. “At least I’m not poisoned.”

“Here, dude.” Beau took off her tattered and dirtied coat. “You can borrow this. Your clothes are a mess.”

Molly pulled Beau’s cloak around herself. “Thanks,” she muttered. 

“We should get the hell out of here,” Fjord said as the dragon started to stir again. “Like, now.”

Jester picked up Caleb’s limp form in her arms, and Nott followed as she darted away. Fjord ran after them, and Beau helped Molly limp away. 

\---

They set up camp as far away as they could get before nightfall. The dragon didn’t come after them. Jester had sent herself into a panic before falling asleep, trying to heal everyone when she was completely tapped out. Fjord eventually convinced her to go to sleep, but not before she burst into tears upon realizing she hadn’t even looked at Molly and Nott’s injuries. They’d both assured her it was fine, but she pleaded them to not die until the morning. Then she’d promptly collapsed.

Beau was on guard duty, as the least damaged member of the party, but Molly couldn’t sleep. Jester had sworn up and down that Caleb had stabilized, and it wasn’t that Molly didn’t trust her healing abilities, but she was worried. 

She moved to sit beside him, and Beau raised an eyebrow. Molly stuck out her tongue at her, and she stuck out hers right back. She looked at Caleb, brushing a strand of hair out of his face.

He started to cough, and Molly startled. “Caleb?”

“ _ Ja _ ?”

“Oh, thank the gods.” Molly exhaled, slumping down. “You’re okay.”

Caleb pushed himself up on his elbows, groaning. “What happened after I passed out?”

“We left.” Molly took on a lighter tone. “Your survival instincts are shit.”

Caleb smiled a little at the joke. Molly felt her lip trembling, because that was far too close, but she smiled back.

\---

They spent a few days recovering, and next time they came across the dragon asleep, they were at least a thousand times stealthier, and came away with several jars of thick green poison. 

“I don’t get why we needed this shit,” Jester muttered. “Plenty of plants do the job.”

“It’s strong poison. I didn’t even notice it until it was too late,” Caleb pointed out, and that shut everyone up.

Molly wrapped the coat they were still borrowing from Beau around themself tighter. “I think we should just get going,” they muttered. “And get fucking paid.”

There were mutters of agreement from the party, and Molly sat in the cart, wincing every time they got jostled by the road. Their chest was healed and fine now, but it still ached. 

Caleb sat down next to them. “You okay?”

“Oh, yeah, swimming,” Molly said with a grin.

“I’m glad,” Caleb said, and he pulled out a book and he started reading. 

They didn’t talk for the rest of the trip. 

\---

It took a day and a half to get back to the Gentleman, and they made a hell of an entrance, torn and bloodied clothes, battered to hell and back. They each put a vial of poison on the Gentleman’s table. “Do we get paid yet?” Jester asked, halfway with her usual wide-eyed innocence, half betraying the fact that she was at the end of her patience.

The Gentleman grinned and waved to someone in the back. “Fifteen thousand gold for the Mighty Nein, our brave adventurers!”

Molly had never loved the color of gold more than in that moment. 

The second they were out of the Evening Nip, they all glanced between each other before saying, at the exact same time, “Pillow Trove.”

They also made a hell of an entrance to the nicest hotel in the Tri-Spires as they trooped in, clothes still stained red. Fjord slid the gold forward. “I’ll pay extra for you to not to ask questions,” he said, and the hostess nodded generously.

“Would you like a bath? Your clothes would be cleaned,” she said. 

“Please,” Jester practically begged, throwing herself at the desk. “Please, they’re all so  _ smelly _ .”

The hostess smiled. “Of course. This way.”

The Mighty Nein followed after her, and they were lead to an in-hotel bathhouse. Jester practically whimpered and immediately started washing the blood out of her hair once she got into the water, the rest of them following. Even Nott dipped her feet in as she washed the grime from her body. 

The water was stained red within in heartbeats, and Jester was doing laps, checking everyone’s wounds. She lingered on Caleb’s bite mark, the slash on Molly’s chest, and the twist in Fjord’s ankle. Molly barely convinced her that she needed to take her own various wounds seriously as well before she finally rested. 

“Fifteen thousand gold,” Beau said, with a lot less excitement than she had before.

Molly held up their hand like there was a wine glass in it. “Fifteen thousand gold,” they agreed. 

Nott was the first to leave, which didn’t surprise anyone. Jester and Beau followed, then Caleb and Fjord, until Molly was the last one left. They lingered only a few more moments before getting out, grabbing their now repaired and clean clothes and heading up.

The girls were sharing a room, and Fjord had practically insisted on not sharing a room with Molly again after the disaster that was last time (well, for him. Molly had had fun) and Caleb always chose to have his own room if he couldn’t share with Nott, so there were four rooms for six people. Really, it wasn’t like they were hurting for coin at the moment. 

Molly ran into Caleb in the hallway as they went up to their room. “And where are you off to?” They hummed. 

“Was going to get some water,” he said.

“I’ll come with,” Molly said, and Caleb seemed too tired to argue. His eyes were sparkling, at least, and Molly was entranced. 

Caleb got a water, and Molly followed him like a lost cat as they headed back up to the rooms. 

“Thank you for pulling me back,” Molly said finally as they reached the top of the stairs, walking down the hallway. “From the dragon, I mean.”

“Nott told me what you did when I blacked out. Thank you.”

“It wasn’t like I did anything particularly useful. You actually saved me.”

“I did what anyone would have done,” Caleb said with a shrug. He seemed uncomfortable with such a simple  _ thank you _ . 

Molly took a step forward, and Caleb didn’t back away. He didn’t look them in the eye, but that was normal. He held his position, and that was the important thing. Molly was about six inches from Caleb’s face. “But it wasn’t anyone,” they murmured. “It was you.”

Caleb leaned forward a few inches, and Molly backed away one. “Well, I’ve gotten used to having you around.”

“That’s good. I like being around.”

Molly wondered what would happen if they leaned in closer. Maybe Caleb would startle. Maybe not.

_ I could kiss him _ . 

“You look lost in thought,” Caleb said. “It’s a look I know well. What’s on your mind?”

“Pretty boys,” Molly said honestly. “One in particular.”

Caleb’s ears turned a little red, but he managed to squeak out, “oh?”

“Yah.” Molly leaned back on their heels, casually stuffing their hands in their pockets. “Wondering if I should do anything about this attraction.”

Plausible deniability. Molly could always lie, say it was Fjord (ha) or someone else. Caleb didn’t have to know it was him. 

Maybe Molly should tell him.

“Okay,” Caleb said. “Well, good night, to you and your thoughts.”

“Wait,” Molly said. 

Molly had an impulsive streak and a legendary lack of self control. They knew when a thought showed up, it might go away if they never acted on it. 

_ Kiss him _ , their mind whispered.

_ Fuck it _ . 

They grabbed Caleb’s coat and they kissed him. 

For some inexplicable reason, Caleb kissed them back. Fire and passion and Molly made sure this kiss wasn’t tender. Tender kisses were for emotions. Passionate kisses with teeth and pulling were for whatever this was. 

Molly ended up pushing Caleb into his room, against a wall. Caleb had their coat halfway down already, and had started to dedicate his attention to the feathers on Molly’s neck. It was surprisingly gentle attention, compared to the dedication he showed to getting Molly’s clothes off. 

“Is this happening?” Molly asked and Caleb faltered. “I’m just asking if you’re cool with this.”

“Yes,” Caleb said immediately. “ _ Ja _ , I’m cool with this.” 

“Great.” Molly got the rest of their coat off and started to get rid of Caleb’s. “No strings attached?”

“Not a one.”

Molly’s fingers brushed up against a pendant on Caleb’s chest as they tried to take off his shirt, and Caleb’s hand snapped to their wrist. “The necklace stays,” Caleb said softly. 

“Fine by me.” Molly hummed and Caleb kissed them again. 

_ Sleep with him _ , Molly’s brain whispered, and so they did. 

\---

Molly stretched in the morning and had the sudden realization there was someone in bed with them. That was a slightly startling realization. 

They sat up, and glanced over and they- fuck, no, whatever, pronouns later -saw Caleb, still asleep, and Molly remembered it all in a heartbeat. 

_ Fuck indeed _ . Molly hummed. 

Molly took a few moments to analyze the gender of the day. Girl felt pretty right. She leaned down to poke Caleb in the shoulder. “Hey,” she muttered. “Time to get up.”

Caleb blinked awake, and Molly caught herself from thinking it was cute. Must be the afterglow. He looked up, his hair a mess around his face, and Molly pushed back a strand. “Wha?”

“We had sex,” Molly said informatively. “It was awesome.”

Caleb blinked again. He seemed to instinctively check if his amulet was there- it was, because Molly wasn’t an asshole -and then he started to stare at Molly. “We had sex,” he said, as if she hadn’t already told him that.

Molly just nodded and got up and started to get dressed. “And, as agreed, no strings attached.” It wasn’t like they were in love. Just messing around. 

Obviously. 

Caleb just sat, staring blankly at the wall. Molly paused in the middle of putting on her coat. “Did… was this a bad idea? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Caleb said. “I’m just. In shock, I guess.”

Molly booped him on the nose. “I’ll be on my way. Thanks.”

“You too,” Caleb said softly, and Molly walked out of the room.

Molly got halfway down the hall before trying to put her hands in her pockets, and realizing the pockets weren’t there. She looked down, and she barely kept her laugh at bay. She was wearing Caleb’s coat, not her’s.

Caleb was already running after her, shoes on the wrong feet, Molly’s  _ actual _ coat in his arms. “Wrong one,” he muttered, and he stole a kiss, pressing the coat into Molly’s arms as he did. His hands wandered and tried to get his own coat off of her. 

Molly drew away a little with a laugh, just barely keeping her face away from his. “You know, if you wanted to get my clothes off, you could have just asked me to stay.”

Caleb flushed red and rolled his eyes. He held his coat to his chest. “Whatever, Molly. That was the first and last time.”

“Whatever you say, dear.”

\---

That was not the last time.

\---

They left the Pillow Trove by noon, bags fill to burst with gold. Maybe they should all invest in a bank. Maybe start their own. Molly brought this up and her friends stared at her like she was crazy. 

Caleb managed to beg a library visit off of Beau, and Nott went where Caleb did. Molly didn’t really feel like third wheeling for Fjord and Jester, so she went shopping. Her share of  _ fifteen thousand gold  _ was burning a hole in her pocket. 

She got a few pastries for herself, and maybe to share with Jester later, a few flowers for when Yasha popped back up, and, after initial hesitation, a book for Caleb. 

It wasn’t anything fancy. All it was was a book about the history of spell components, and how their uses were discovered and applied. Molly just looked at it and thought  _ Caleb would like that _ and she got it for him. 

(About halfway through the day, his gender decided to switch it up on him, because of course it did. Really, he’d say it needed to stop doing that, but he’d probably go mad if it wasn’t in constant flux. Didn’t exactly make him thrilled that the ache in his chest was now paired with dysphoria, though.)

Caleb was back at the Leaky Tap when he arrived, pouring over his various notes in his scratchy loopy handwriting. Molly sat down at the table across from him. “Hey.”

“Maybe later,” he mumbled, not even looking up. 

“How’s it going?”

“No thanks.”

Molly suppressed a laugh. “Are you even listening?”

“Ask Fjord.”

Molly dug around in his bag. “Got you something.” He held up the book. 

Caleb’s eyes snapped up immediately. “You…”

“It’s about spell components. I can’t make heads or tails of it, but I thought you’d like it.”

Caleb took the book from him gingerly, flipping through it. “You didn’t have to get this for me,” he said softly. 

“I know. I wanted to.”

Caleb became lost in the book a few moments later, and Molly smiled happily and watched as he read. 

Halfway through, Caleb looked up again. “We should really talk about what happened.”

“I thought we did,” Molly said uncertainly. “Why? Second day regrets?”

“ _ Nein _ , why do keep asking that? I meant… how is this going to affect… us?”

“We aren’t an us, first off,” Molly said immediately. “No strings attached.”

“ _ Ja _ , of course. I just mean…”

“Look if you’re changing your mind about the whole ‘that was the last time’ deal, I know for a fact which rooms are empty-“

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

Caleb didn’t take the bait. “I just… what is this?”

“Personally I thought of it as a  _ hooray, we saved each other and we’re not dead _ kind of deal.”

“Are you always like this? Flippant and flirty?”

“You’ve hung out around me enough to know the answer to that.”

Caleb rolled his eyes. “I’m going back to my book if you’re going to be like this.”

“Hey,” Molly said, as sincerely as he could. “We’re friends, right? Yah?”

“ _ Ja _ .”

“Good. Then we’re still the same. Same dynamic, same-“

“Molly.”

Caleb took his hand and dragged him upstairs and finally shut him up.

\---

Nott noticed the change first. 

It wasn’t a  _ change  _ in that now Caleb and Molly were sappy and in love because they  _ weren’t.  _ They couldn’t be. Obviously. Nothing changed there. 

It was more of a change that sometimes Molly and Caleb stayed in rooms together, “studying”. Nott wasn’t stupid. 

“You’re not studying with Caleb,” she said when she finally cornered Molly alone. 

Molly figured she’d figured it out anyways, so he said, “well, human anatomy is something I’m  _ very  _ interested in. And Caleb’s been  _ so  _ helpful in helping me study.”

Nott made a face. For such a short little goblin, she had a fearsome presence. 

“What are your intentions with Caleb?” Nott asked, arms crossed as she glared up at Molly. 

He gave a harsh laugh. “I’m  _ sorry _ ? I’m not getting the shovel talk from the goblin equivalent of a seventeen year old.” He started to walk away, but Nott just moved to stand in front of him. 

“I’m serious,” Nott said.

“What do you want me to say? I fucked him. I  _ intend _ on continuing to do so as long as he will let me.” Molly leaned down to get in her face, all sharp grin. “Is that a  _ proooblem _ ?” He drawled, clicking his tongue. 

Nott didn’t seem intimidated. She narrowed her eyes right back at him. “Caleb is smart enough to make his own decisions about… this.” She looked Molly up and down, as if she was a mother who clearly disapproved of her son’s choice of tieflings. “And I would never begrudge him that. However- if you hurt him, in any way: I. Will. Destroy. You.”

She poked him in the chest with each word. Molly gave a loose smile and stood up. “No worries, Nott dear. I wouldn’t harm a single hair on Caleb’s pretty head.”

His tone was flippant and the words were sincere but maybe that was why Nott didn’t seem to believe him, but just nodded. “I’ll hold you to that.” And she walked away. 

She didn’t tell the others, but she told Caleb, apparently, because he sat down next to Molly and muttered, “Nott said she talked to you?”

“Did you sic her on me?” Molly asked. 

“No. She’s a good friend. She worries.”

“Well, I’m not going to hurt you. Promise.”

Caleb gave a small smile. He’d gotten more comfortable with the Mighty Nein, with people as a whole. Not enough to let walls down, but enough to be a mostly carefree person, who smiled and laughed and maybe Molly loved both of those things, his smile and his laugh. 

No. 

No,  _ not  _ love.

Appreciated was the better word. 

Obviously. 

\---

The Mighty Nein’s next excursion to the Evening Nip didn’t wield a job, but it did give that creepy Tabaxi with the wide eyes an opportunity to cling to Molly’s arm, drag them to a dark corner, and whisper, “Nonagon, we must talk.”

“Cree, it’s fine,” they said with a smile, ignoring how their skin pricked at  _ Nonagon _ . 

“Because, well, no one else has reached out, and if you haven’t made arrangements, the ritual-“

That damned ritual again. Molly smiled and patted her on the arm. “Everything’s being taken care of, don’t worry,” they lied. “It’s all alright.”

Cree seemed satisfied and slunk away into the shadows. Molly slinked back to the group. 

“The hell was that about?” Beau asked. 

“Lucien nonsense. I’ll have to stop stringing her along one day,” Molly sighed. 

“Nothing we need to be concerned about?” Fjord asked. 

“No,” Molly said, and that was the end of it. 

\---

Caleb was fun to kiss. 

The scars on his chest, just the two of them, were fun to kiss. He gave all sorts of fun gasps and dragged Molly’s mouth back up to his. 

Caleb was also a great distraction from Lucien bullshit.

\---

It was morning. Caleb was stretching and Molly could see every freckle on his back outlined in the sunlight streaming through the window. Molly was still tangled up in the sheets, watching. Caleb’s back was to them, and Molly simply watched the movement of his arms and the muscles in his back. 

Molly propped themself up on one arm. The entire scene made something twist in their heart, like an oddly domestic feeling tugging at their chest and they had a single thought.  _ Tell him. _

The thought was unlike so many others of Molly’s thoughts, fleeting and impulsive. Even most of Molly’s thoughts about Caleb were fleeting.  _ Kiss him _ had been one of those.  _ Sleep with him _ had been a little more purposeful, but still an impulse decision.

_ Tell him _ was a thought of a different kind. That was the thought that stayed with Molly as they went through their day, coming and going at various moments.  _ Tell him _ , Molly’s brain whispered.  _ Tell him what you are.  _

And Molly was not used to the emotion of fear, or the concept of hesitation. If they were, they wouldn’t have kissed or slept with Caleb. Now they felt both. 

Becausing telling Caleb wasn’t a physical act that could be pushed aside the second the night was done or either of them were tired of it. Telling Caleb meant giving him knowledge, giving him a little piece of however real Molly could get. That scared them and they hesitated. 

_ Tell him.  _

_ Come out to Caleb Widogast _ .

\---

Molly was alone, sitting on a bench in the Pentamarket, and an elven woman with black hair sat down next to him. 

“Lucien. Nonagon. Mollymauk Tealeaf. Whatever you choose to call yourself, you cannot run.”

Molly turned to look at her. Her eyes were black, no whites at all. “The ritual will be complete. You belong to me.”

Molly woke up with a scream. 

He gasped, looking around. They weren’t in Zadash anymore, just a quick errand for a couple hundred gold, the Gentleman’s way of keeping them sated. Maybe an apology for the dragon. 

Caleb and Jester were on watch, and Caleb had rushed over. “Nightmare?” He asked softly. 

All Molly could do was nod. 

\---

Somewhere along the line, Molly became very accustomed to fear. The kind of fear that came from having something to lose.

\---

“Is Caleb your real name?” Molly asked. 

It was less of an ask and more of a blurt, and they instantly winced. “Sorry, that was-“

“It… is not the one I was born with,” Caleb said hesitantly. 

“Man, fuck that one,” Molly snorted. “Fuck your birthname if you don’t want it.”

“I don’t.” Caleb smiled a little. “Caleb Widogast is my real name.”

“Good. It suits you.”

\---

There was a narrow escape from a pack of direwolves, and Molly sat down next to Caleb. Nott had been bit, and Caleb was assuring her it was going to be okay while Jester took care of a very battered Yasha. 

“You alright?” Molly hummed to Caleb, leaning close. 

Caleb pressed his forehead against Molly’s. “ _ Ja _ .”

The others had either guessed or heard from those who had guessed that something was going on between the two of them. Molly didn’t really care what they thought. 

Caleb breathed once and pulled away, going back to binding Nott’s leg, and Molly felt strangely at peace. 

(Somewhere along the line, Caleb had become synonymous with  _ safety _ .)

\---

It was a lazy day in Zadash. No one was working, no one was telling the Mighty Nein to go out and fight shit. Molly finally had the chance to just do what they wanted- absolutely nothing. 

(Well, and Caleb.)

They were laying in bed, face to face in the morning, in the quiet moments before one of them left.

“You are,” Molly murmured, trailing a finger down his arm, “amazing.”

Caleb smiled and looked away a bit. “You say that.”

“I mean it.”

Caleb went still, and they continued insistently. “You are amazing. For one thing, you are  _ obviously  _ good  _ here _ , or I wouldn’t be here.” Molly gestured around. “You’re good in battle, or neither of us might be here. You’re a good conversationalist. You’re a good friend. You make Nott happy.”  _ You make me happy _ , Molly choked down. 

“You have your past,” Molly whispered. “It’s weighing at you. It pulls you down. I just want you to know…”

Molly paused, and Caleb was looking at them with a quizzical expression. 

“I forgive you,” Molly said gently. 

Caleb laughed, turning away from them. “You don’t even know what I’ve done. It’s… unforgivable.”

“I don’t care,” Molly said, reaching out to touch him, turn his head back to them. “I still forgive you.”

“I can’t even forgive myself,” Caleb whispered. 

“Then I’ll just have to forgive you enough for both of us.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Sure it is,” Molly said with a smile. “That’s what second starts are about.”

“Sometimes second chances aren’t for everyone,” Caleb snapped suddenly. “Some people just don’t deserve them, because they’re terrible. So leave it.”

“Do I?” Molly asked. 

“What do you think?”

Molly froze, and Caleb swore. “Molly, I know how that sounded, I didn’t mean it like that, you-“

“No, I get it.” Molly got up and started to get dressed with quick, sharp movements. “ _ Some people  _ just aren’t good enough.”

“This isn’t about you!” Caleb got up, his voice halfway between desperation and exasperation. “Not everything is about you!”

“You’re right, it’s about you and your half-assed view on second chances,” Molly snapped, not even bothering to put on their boots, just grabbing them and carrying them. 

“Molly, what I did was  _ unforgivable. _ ”

“What if what I did was, too,” Molly whispered. “Then the only difference would be I forgot.”

Caleb looked at them desperately, but didn’t answer. 

“Second chances are non negotiable,” Molly said coldly. “A belief in second chances is a belief in second chances for  _ everyone,  _ because everyone deserves one. It’s all or nothing. So either you’re lying to yourself or you’re lying to  _ me _ , and I’m not okay with either of those. Don’t talk to me until you figure out which.”

Molly stormed away, tail lashing, firmly resolved to not look back at Caleb. They went downstairs, resolved to curl up in some dark corner with a pout and a drink. They were already pouting, and a drink was easily acquired. 

Molly was halfway through their drink when Caleb sat down in front of them. “I’m going to tell you a story,” he said, haltingly. “About why I don’t deserve a second chance, and you deserve the world.”

Molly looked up. “Bullshit,” they said simply. “You-“

“I murdered my parents.” 

Molly looked at him, looking for any hint of a lie. Caleb’s blue blue blue eyes were starting to tear up, and his hands were shaking. “I wasn’t expecting that,” Molly said softly, honestly. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“No, I’m going to.” Caleb sat in front of Molly, legs criss-crossed as he leaned forward. “I… I was the pride of my town, and I got into the Academy.”

“Soltryce?” Molly murmured, just for confirmation. Caleb nodded. 

Caleb told them a story about school and magic (and torture and executions) and wonder and pride (and brainwashing and lies) and success and love (and betrayal and fire) and murder (and murder). The story continued past that, and Molly listened, but in a state of half shock. Caleb told them about breaking, being locked up, and escape and some part of Molly acknowledged softly  _ oh, that’s why the necklace. _

Caleb let out a shaky breath. “That is what I did.  _ That  _ is what I have done. There is no reconciliation from that. No second chances. But you… you are bright, and you are shining, and you are  _ good _ . Whether you remember or not, you, Mollymauk Tealeaf, are a good  _ fucking person _ , right down to the core of who you are. And you deserve the world.”

Molly reached for Caleb’s wrist as he started to leave. “I need to tell you something,” they rasped. “I’m… I’m not always a guy. Not even most of the time. I’m genderfluid, and most of the time I’m not a man or a woman. Like right now. I’m just- I’m me. I’m Molly.”

Caleb smiled at them a little. “How long have you been worrying yourself over coming out?”

“You have no idea,” Molly muttered. “But I- I’m scared.”  _ Caleb, there’s something you don’t know.  _ “I don’t want to be Lucien again,” they managed. 

Caleb leaned down to face them again. “You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be.”

“I wish you’d take your own advice one day,” Molly said. “About second chances. Leaving the past where it lies. Growing from it. Learning. Changing.”

“I’m all about change. I’m going to change all of this world,” Caleb said it so matter of factly that Molly didn’t doubt him for a second. 

Caleb leaned in to kiss them on the forehead, and then he walked away. Molly touched the spot and realized something.

_ I’m in love with Caleb Widogast.  _

What a terrifying thought.

\---

The most terrifying thing about realizing he was in love with Caleb was that it wasn’t an instantaneous sort of thing. 

Molly didn’t just wake up that day and think  _ oh, I love him _ . It was a process. Which meant Molly had spent gods knew how long falling for him. 

Maybe even from the moment they’d met. Molly could have been falling for him for  _ months  _ and just now noticing. 

Because  _ oh, I love him _ . 

Even though it felt more like  _ oh no, I love him _ . 

Molly sat on the roof of the Leaky Tap and thought about it all. He wasn’t actually two years old, but that’s how long he’d had to figure out everything about himself. To build himself up from the grave he dug himself out of. 

Molly was still figuring out a lot of things. He didn’t have a favorite food, or a favorite drink. He’d never seen the ocean. He didn’t know what his parents looked like. He wasn’t a  _ complete  _ person. 

Molly’s view on love was giving yourself away. Saying,  _ here, this is all I am _ , and handing the other person your heart and they gave you theirs but that couldn’t  _ work  _ because Molly was still building all that. 

And even when Molly knew who he was, he lied. He lied and wouldn’t let anyone see the very fragile kind of person he’d created. 

So Molly couldn’t be in love with Caleb because Caleb deserved better than this half made lie of a person. 

\---

It took Molly a few days to reach the conclusion and a few more to act on it. 

_ Give him up. Get someone to take away this love. If you don’t deserve him, don’t have him _ . 

It hurt and it had no right to. Molly had made their choice and by the gods they were going to stick with it even though it hurt. 

\---

Molly went to the Evening Nip, and Clyde knew her by now, but she gave the damn passcode anyways. He unveiled the trap door and she stepped down and without preamble she walked through the  _ real  _ Evening Nip and sat down at the Gentleman’s mahogany table. The small crowd around the tavern glanced over, but didn’t risk staring. 

The Gentleman leaned forward towards her, eyebrow raised. “Is the rest of your ensemble coming?”

“Just me. I have a question. You have connections. Do any of them deal in…”

(So many fleeting memories. Caleb’s nervous tics and mannerisms. Caleb stimming with his spell components. Caleb laughing at her joke. Caleb’s soft, nervous grin. Caleb’s mouth. Caleb’s hands. The way he sat when he read. The way he stretched in the morning. Every freckle on his body. The shade of his eyes. The texture of his hair.  _ Caleb _ .)

“...emotions,” Molly finished uncertainty. “Love, that sort of thing.”

The Gentleman seemed intrigued. “Why? Want a love potion? Got someone you want to seduce?”

“The opposite.” Molly sat back in her chair. “I want mine taken away. I don’t do sappy, and now I’ve gone and caught… _ feelings _ .”

“You say that like it’s some terrible disease.”

“I don’t want this,” she insisted. “I did not sign up for these. They were the opposite of the plan.”

(Of course Molly would be the one to break their  _ no strings attached  _ agreement.)

The Gentleman mirrored her pose, leaning back and crossing his legs. “I might be able to find someone. What will you give me?”

Molly resolved to not cry. She was giving him up, so she didn’t get to cry. “What will you ask for?”

The Gentleman smiled. “Now that’s what I like to hear. You know, whatever you’ve decided to call yourself, I rather like you. So how about a game.”

“Like the first time,” Molly supplied. 

“Exactly,” The Gentleman’s blue skin seemed to shine like polished stone in the dim light as he leaned forward. “You win, I’ll find someone to take care of your little heart problem. I win, you’re mine.”

“Yours to what? You know, you never clarify that.”

“Mine in general,” the Gentleman said. “How desperately do you want to get rid of this feeling?”

Molly grit her teeth and leaned forward. “What’s the buy-in?”

“Answer a single question truthfully. And that was mine. Your turn.”

Molly almost complained about cheating, but that would be highly unwise, and it had been a clever trick. She actually smiled at it. “Ask away.”

“Why do you want to get rid of this emotion, this  _ love  _ you’re feeling?”

Molly answered quickly and truthfully. “Because someone as fucked up and broken as me doesn’t deserve to love someone like Caleb Widogast.”

(He was broken too, but he didn’t run. He wasn’t a coward, and he was so much more compassionate and skilled and wonderful than he gave himself credit for. He was genuine and Molly was a fake down to her core.)

The Gentleman just raised his eyebrows with a grin. “Shall we play?”

The gnome shuffled just like last time. Molly looked at her card. Not terrible. “How are we going to up the ante?”

“More true answers. That was mine. Now you. If you’re in love with this man, why are you willing to let him go?”

Molly tried to seem nonchalant as she shrugged. “I don’t do sappy, I don’t do emotions, and I don’t deserve him. Better to… better to let it go.”

The Gentleman hummed. Another card to each. Molly fought back her wince when she got hers. 

“Why do you believe it’s better to let it go?” He asked, his face not revealing anything about his cards. 

Molly narrowed her eyes. “Because I’m scared,” she admitted. “I’m scared of this warm, domestic,  _ happy  _ feeling in my chest.” And she knew this might be the only time she could get something useful out of the Gentleman, but she burned her question with, “Why do you  _ care  _ so much?”

“Because it’s entertaining, and you’ve piqued my curiosity.” One more card. And her set had started out so promising. “Why are you scared?”

“I can’t convince myself I’m worthy of these warm, domestic, happy feelings. And I’m still figuring out who I am. I can’t hand him a work in progress and tell him to love it. I can’t give myself away when I still barely know who I am. I’m scared of all of that.” Molly finally said. “How are you getting me to say all this?”

“Magic. Zone of Truth. Activated around the table the second we made the deal. And speaking of-” the Gentleman revealed his cards, and Molly tentatively revealed hers. 

A six, a two, and a one. Versus a- a-

“A full hand?” Molly felt her voice grow smaller. Her stomach tightened up and she really did feel like she was about to cry.

The Gentleman stood up, walking towards her. She kept staring at those three cards, wondering what in the world had gone so wrong. The Gentleman placed a finger under her chin and forced her to look him in the eye.

“I believe, according to our deal, you’re mine now.” The Gentleman hummed. “Now, how are we going to do this?”

“I lost,” Molly said dully. 

The Gentleman gave her a smile and a laugh. “Yes, you did, dear. Yes you did.”

(The part she hated most was that she was relieved. She couldn’t squash the fucking  _ happy  _ in her chest, the fact that she didn’t have to give him up. The fact that somewhere up there in the universe, maybe, just maybe, someone wanted her to be in love with Caleb. 

What a  _ fucking terrifying _ thought.)

The Gentleman tilted her head to look him in the eye. Molly wondered if she looked as broken as she felt. He made a face. “Get out of my sight,” he snapped.

Molly felt like she was moving through syrup, but her limbs moved normally as she scrambled away quickly, towards the door. She ran out of the Evening Nip rubbing at her eyes and Moonweaver help her. 

Moonweaver help her, she was in so much trouble.

\---

It took all of two hours for regret to crash in. 

What the  _ fuck _ had she just tried to do?

Molly ran her hands through her hair, pacing up and down the street. She felt tears running down her face but she ignored them, instead focusing on being disgusted by herself. 

She had something precious and she wanted to give it up? The fuck kind of person was she?

Love scared her. It scared her to hell and back and she probably wasn’t going to stop being scared. But maybe she’d figure out how to stop running. 

(Caleb was safety. He was happiness and he was everything Molly wanted and everything she was scared to have.)

Molly took a deep, steadying breath, and then the back of her skull felt like hell, like something had crashed into it, and everything went black. 

\---

Molly woke up without a gender and without light. They groaned, their eyes trying to pick out something in the darkness. A few scattered boxes, open and filled with straw and scrolls, and a long table with clutter, and symbols on the wall. 

A storage room of sorts, then. Molly tried to stretch, and found their hands were chained behind their back. They pulled at the chains, but they wouldn’t break or budge. 

Molly tried to stand up, and discovered their ankles were chained and bolted to the ground. On the ground was a circle of symbols drawn in something shiny and red. That was when Molly noticed they were bleeding from the arm. 

This was not good. 

The door opened, and light flooded in, heralded in by the figure in all black. It laughed softly. “No running now, Lucien.”

“My name is Mollymauk Tealeaf,” they said, because if they were going to die, they didn’t want to have to claim that dead name. 

The figure pulled back its hood, and it was the elf woman from Molly’s dream, except her eyes were normal, with green irises, not black all the way through. “Whatever you say. Now, this seem familiar at all?”

Yes. “No.”

“You were always a terrible liar. No matter.  _ This  _ is reminiscent of the ritual that made it so that you would come back to life after your death, except it didn’t work last time, did it?”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” Molly said with a grin. They needed an escape plan. They were on their own. 

“You’re… changed. Different. Fundamentally. I think exposure to the Astral Plane has warped you, so that you are no longer the Lucien I made a deal with. We’re going to right that wrong. Make a new deal, complete the ritual.”

“Why?” Molly found themself asking. “Why the hell do you care?”

The elf woman grinned. “By your act of devotion and sacrifice, we are going to raise a god.”

Molly was silent for a few moments. The elf’s grin grew wider. “Don’t say it’s not possible. And don’t worry, you’ll be able to go about your normal life. All you have to do is bind your soul to the demon god and pledge eternal loyalty.”

“Like  _ hell _ I will.”

“You will. Now sit there, Lucien, and wait until midnight.”

“It’s  _ Molly _ ,” they snapped. 

The elf woman left. 

“I’m fucked.”

\---

Molly stopped fighting after the first five minutes when it was obvious they didn’t have the strength to break the chains. They hung their head, breathing shallow and let their mind wander. They were either going to die here or be used as a pawn to raise a demon. Neither option really sounded great. 

Molly wished the others were here. Yasha could have broken the chains. Beau would have dragged Molly out with her usual snark. Nott would have been able to sneak attack the elf lady. Jester would hit her with her spiritual lollipop. Fjord would have an uncanny sense of how to stop a ritual like this. Caleb had an amazing grasp on magical spells and was always a wonderful person to have in a fight. 

Caleb would have made Molly feel better. 

But no one was here, and there was nothing to be done. Molly took a deep breath and started to cry. 

\---

The elf lady came back, and Molly let themself be dragged away to a platform on the roof, bathed in moonlight. Their wrists and ankles were still chained, and they felt lightheaded from the hit to the head and bloodloss. 

The elf lady made Molly sit in the middle of the platform and started drawing circles and symbols that meant nothing to Molly. Just so they could say they could, Molly tried to bolt. The elf lady just waved her hand and two suits of armor grabbed Molly’s arms and dragged them back. 

“Come on now, Lucien,” she  _ tssked _ . “You must have known you would fail.”

“Yah,” Molly muttered. She finished her circle, and stepped back, her grin wider than ever. She started to chant, and her eyes went black. 

Molly sent up one last prayer to the Moonweaver.  _ Please, no matter what happens to me, don’t let her hurt my friends _ . 

There was a sound, like a pebble thrown by a lovesick teenager hitting a window. The elf lady froze, and the black faded from her eyes as she stopped chanting. “Investigate,” she snapped to one of the suits of armor, and it lumbered off. She resumed, but Molly wasn’t paying attention to that. 

An arrow flew through the air, sticking into the stone wall. There was a piece of paper tied to it. 

“I think that’s for you,” Molly said. 

The elf scowled and went to get it. Molly saw her face light up bright red in rage, and would have paid fifteen thousand gold to know what that letter said. She tore up the paper and stalked back to Molly, angrily restarting the ritual. 

Molly tried to bolt again. The suit of armor was in the way of the exit, and Molly was weighed down by chains, so it was incredibly ineffective. Molly screamed this time, screamed and kicked and  _ fought _ because they would  _ not  _ be used for some kind of ritual. 

“I’m not Lucien!” Molly fought, digging their heels into the floor, refusing to get on the platform. “I never made a deal with you, or any demon!”

“You are Lucien Garrow!” The elf screamed. “This is who you are, this is what you always will be, and you cannot escape the past!”

“ _ No _ !”

The suit of armor holding Molly was batted away by a giant, glowing blue lollipop. The elf looked horrified, and Molly beamed. 

The elf grabbed the collar of Molly’s shirt, and pulled out a wicked looking dagger. She pressed it against their neck. “Whoever is daring to make a rescue attempt,” she said, loudly and calmly, “I would advise you to stop, on threat of his death.”

“Their,” Molly said. They turned, looking around for their friends. “Sorry for not saying anything earlier, guys. I’m genderfluid. Hopefully you’re not angry enough to let her kill me.”

“Shut up,” the elf snapped. 

From behind a chimney, Jester walked out, hands raised, her lollipop floating behind her. “Don’t hurt Molly,” she said softly. 

“Why must everything be  _ difficult _ ?” The elf woman huffed. She pressed her knife against Molly’s neck. “Alright, back on the pedestal.”

“No thank you.” Molly stepped on her foot. The elf gasped, and her grip on Molly loosened. They dropped down, kicking out and rolling a few feet away. Jester ran to them, pulling them back behind the chimney, and the roof exploded into chaos. 

From the door where the suit of armor had disappeared, Beau raced in, staff at the ready, Yasha right behind her. Fjord and Nott scaled the roof. Molly looked around, and fear seized them. 

“Where’s Caleb?” They asked. They pulled away from Jester’s hands on their arm. “I’m fine, Jester, where’s Caleb?”

“He’s downstairs,” Jester said. “Destroying the research, the notes. Also recovering from a  _ slight  _ stab wound.”

Molly made a wounded noise at that, and Jester patted their arm. “Don’t worry, he’s fine now, he’s fine now!” She said insistently. 

Nott ducked behind the chimney with them. “This woman is  _ insanely  _ powerful,” she said, already pulling out her lock picks, “but we’ve got her under control.”

There was a scream of rage and a small explosion. Molly turned to try to look and Jester pulled them back. “No, it’s fine,” she said, a little too happy. 

Nott unlocked Molly’s chains and they rubbed their wrists. “Where are my swords?” Molly asked. 

“Back at the hotel. We didn’t have time to grab them. When Cara came up to us-“

“Cara? Why Cara?”

“How do you think we knew how to find you? The Gentleman told us where you were.”

“And what did it cost you,” Molly murmured. 

“Nothing.”

Nott nodded. “He said he was… preserving his investments, is how he put it, I think.”

“Oh, yeah, you missed that bit of tonight,” Molly mumbled. “I’ll fill you in later. Right now we need to-“

“Oh, Beau!” Jester ran out, her lollipop going to attack the elf lady as she ran to Beau’s unconscious form. Nott stayed behind the chimney with Molly, shooting arrows from cover. 

The elf woman was holding her own against the full force of the Mighty Nein’s power, but she was wearing down. Molly stood up, despite Nott’s protests, and they pointed at the woman. 

“ _ I’m not Lucien, _ ” they hissed in Infernal. “ _ But you are nothing _ .”

She was visibly rattled, and Fjord got an attack on her with his sword. She screamed as it hit her, and then Jester’s lollipop, and Molly hit her with a very shaky blood maledict as Nott shot her. 

When she finally died, she slumped forward, bleeding onto the roof tiles, and Molly said, “burn that. She might come back, otherwise.”

Fjord nodded. Beau was awake now, shakily being helped up by Jester, and Molly was running to the door, down stairs, shouting, “Caleb?”

Molly went back to the storage room they’d been kept in, and Caleb was there, muttering to himself, and sorting through scrolls before he either stuffed them in his coat or burned them. 

“Caleb!” Molly threw themself at him, and Caleb was caught off guard as Molly sunk into a hug. “Oh, gods, I’m so sorry,” they whispered. “I’m so damn sorry.”

“Mollymauk,” Caleb mumbled. “It wasn’t your fault you got kidnapped for a dark ritual-“

“Not that. The Gentleman.” Molly clung tighter to Caleb. “I made a deal with him and I lost and that’s why I’m an investment to him. But it’s more than that.”

“Molly, you’re in shock, it’s okay-“

“I’m in love with you,” Molly blurted, and now that they’d started they couldn’t shut up. “I realized I was in love with you and I got scared because you are amazing and I can’t find a way to think I deserve to be with you and I went to the Gentleman to see if he could make me not love you anymore, and that didn’t work, and I’m glad it didn’t because I love you, Caleb Widogast, and I’m still a work in progress and I’m rough around the edges, but if you’ll have me, I’ll offer you everything I have. Here. Here is my heart, this is me, and I’m in love with everything you are.”

Caleb was shaking and it took Molly a heartbeat to realize he was crying. And then it took Molly a moment to realize they were crying, too.

“I’m a disaster,” Molly said softly. 

“You say that as if I’m not,” Caleb finally said, half a laugh through tears. “You can’t mean that. You can’t-“

“I’ve never meant anything more.” 

Caleb hugged them tighter and they were both crying and Molly was probably still in shock but they kissed him, and it was tender. And for some inexplicable reason, Caleb kissed them back.

So this was what love was like. Like coming home. 

\---

Molly started with nothing. They crawled their way out of a grave and built themself up from dirt. 

Somewhere along the line, they made friends, both in the carnival and in the Mighty Nein. Somewhere along the line, they fell in love, mostly by accident. Somewhere along the line, they figured out how to be a complete person. Somewhere along the line they taught someone else how to be complete, too. 

Right now, they were lying in bed with Caleb, not doing anything other than existing in the same place, and it wasn’t everything. 

It didn’t come with endless gold. It didn’t come with the answer to every problem. But it was a place in the universe where problems subverted, even if just for a bit. Right here and now didn’t hurt, and it was a place where the past couldn’t touch, and they were free to enjoy what they had. 

So it wasn’t everything. Just peace. Just safety. Just happiness. 

(Everything was overrated.)

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is witchlightsands, my dnd blog is genderfluidmollymauks, and i am how do u say… a disaster


End file.
